This is my first comedic routine I've ever written/performed, so don't laugh at me too hard. Well, laugh at me, but don't...yeah.
So, I'm still quite proud of it, and hopefully it'll be entertaining for all of you watchers out there. This was performed for East Chapel Hill High's graduating class of 2009. Enjoy!
*yay improv* Good morning everyone. *yay improv* My name is Kevin Dorman, or as some of you know me, “The Kid Who Wears the Top Hat.” The more I thought about what to say as class speaker, the more I realized I had a sacred duty. A duty to make everyone aware of a matter of national importance, a subject that may be taboo to some of you and no, I'm not talking about the fact the Hannah Montana is actually Miley Cirus in a wig! I'm sorry Emily Greshes, but it's true. *you don't know her, but she's a senior that's obsessed with HM. Sad, non?*
If we ignore this impending crisis, it threatens to cause massive pandemomium in our schools for generations to come. I am, of course, talking about the absence of decent writing in the industry of cartoons. Now, I know most of you don't watch cartoons anymore; after all, who has time to watch cartoons when we're all so busy with school, family, socializing, taking care of pets, doing chores, going to work, SATs, arguing with boyfriend/girlfriend, breaking up, getting back together again, and being an all around credit to your community...Not me, that's for sure.
But I don't care who you are, the best thing about being a kid was getting up ridiculously early on Saturday morning to watch cartoons. And these cartoons did more than give our parents an easy way out of the piercing headache that is raising a child—they modified our behavior by sneaking subversive morals and life lessons in every episode: what taught us to not panic if we are lost in the woods—simply ask the creepy old man who looks suspiciously like Don Knotts for directions; what taught us it was possible to change the world with a single heartbreaking speech but try the same thing with your parents, you'd be grounded; what taught the guns and violence were wrong, but dropping an anvil on a person's head was aaaaaaaaaalllright. CARTOONS!
Some cartoons were really clever---they showed the wrong choices so we would learn. Like I know Scooby Doo taught me not to smoke pot. I don't care what you say—Shaggy was smoking Scooby Dooby Doobies the entire time. The Mystery Machine could have run out of gas with wolves circling it and all Shaggy could say was “Like, oh man, you guys, I go really go for some Scooby Snacks right now.” Cartoons taught that marijuana could make dog food your food of choice. Don't do it!!!!
It was these kinds of messages that made us who we are today, people. Cartoons taught us that when you are knocked down, learn from your mistakes and take another swing at it tomorrow. The morals we learned in cartoons helped us survive the Hell that was high school, and I'm only half-joking. If it wasn't for the happy go lucky attitude cartoons instilled in us at a tender age, I don't think half of us would have made it this far. But we have guys. We made it through the woods, we've dodged the anvil and most importantly, we graduated from the high school. Congratulations, guys, you've earned it! Thank you!